The summer started really horribly with the loss of my brother in May. It has been 13 weeks since I found out he was gone. 14 weeks to the day since I spoke with him last. I miss him terribly, but time has helped somewhat. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of Dave and try to communicate with him. I hope he hears me on the days on the days that I need him to. Then again there are moments that I am so pissed off that he's gone or I am sad or frustrated and I don't want to put that on him, but then again, who else gets it? I know he wants me to move forward but it's a scary world without my sibling to vent to and understand the family dynamic and the aggravation that goes along with it. I miss his almost everyday phone calls, laughter, wit, and brilliance. I miss his silly language and messages that meant nothing except to the 2 of us. I don't miss his money troubles, turmoil and frustrations towards the system. Then again, maybe I do miss that too.
I hope he's smiling and laughing, finally at peace with the demons that haunted him each day. I hope he can have all the Chinese food and candy he wants, see all the concerts he'd like to, travel to places that intrigued him, and catch up with our family and pets on the other side. I hope there is a heaven and it's customized to our own thoughts of heaven. Haggen Daas ice cream every day, cute girls to hang with, porn, NY Giants football, Black Sabbath music, Long Beach NY body surfing, bike riding, animals to feed, cats to love, and a feeling of contentment all the time. I am sure I am leaving out so many things that would be in Dave's heaven... Southwest Burritos, the Beatles, a doctorate. One day when it's my time, I will find out if I am somewhat right when I visit w/ him.
I have been lucky to have seen and hugged him in a dream about a month ago and look forward to more of that in the future. It was such a strange feeling. I felt that he was really alive and with me, though we never hugged in our adult relationship. I still think he's alive at times; were those torturous days just a nightmare that I have finally woken from? I still wonder when he'll call, thinking that I should bring my phone with me to somewhere that I could get a call from my brother late night, etc... It's still not real. I don't know it I want it to be. Call it denial, hope, whatever... then I feel that deep black hole in my heart and being and I know he won't call, and won't be there to listen to share, to give advice and make me laugh.
I hope when it's time to have a child Dave helps me to have a baby (I'm getting old!). I'd love to name my boy after him. I hope my son will climb trees, do bike tricks, play chess, and have passion like his Uncle Dave did.
It's funny, I never really thought much about death and afterlife/heaven before having it touch me personally. I never knew what to say to people that had loss, but now I get it. I wish our society was more open to discuss death and loss of loved ones. It's so hard when it hits you out of nowhere. It would make this grieving easier. I guess it's the emotional roller coaster that we are all obligated to ride. I will hold your hand and rub your back and listen when it is time for you to have loss... hopefully not anytime soon. I never ever once thought about losing Dave, if I had, I would have told him how much he meant to me... I'd have told him how much I loved him and how wonderful life was with him as my brother and friend. Tell or show your friends and family how much you care, because you never know when those last days will be.
Sorry my first post was such a downer, but I needed to get this out. I guess it was time. There will be more, I am sure. Thanks to everyone who has been there to say they are sorry for my loss, to remind me eat- even if it was just gummy bears, to remind me life goes on, to make me laugh smile and try to feel normal again... You have no idea how much your love has helped me through.
